Body Image

 

My body and I have been struggling to get along for as long as I remember. At the age of 12 I was put on medication for ADHD; it was a stimulant drug. It made my appetite disappear completely and I lost weight. I remember getting attention for my weight loss and I just felt that thinner was better even at age 12. For the past 12 years I have been restricting, binging, purging, partaking in compulsive food behaviours and thoughts, taking medications and exercising at times excessively to control my life, but in fact all these behaviours were controlling me.

 I am happy to say that things started to turn around for me seven months ago. I finally was able to admit my problem to my loving boyfriend and a room full of strangers at an overeaters anonymous meeting. It was like half of my body weight came off in that moment. What a relief I felt, just knowing that all that I had gone through what someone else has gone through too.  It wasn’t my fault, I had a disease, I had an eating disorder, and it was okay because now I was on a new path of acknowledging, being open and willing to try something new. The path that OA has led me towards is 100% beautiful. I started to really like myself only after a month in the program, my spiritual practice is healing me and is a huge source of power in my life, I see food differently and think of it as fuel rather than something I used to use to get by.

 I am on a journey to self-love, something I never thought possible seven months ago. Seven months ago was my darkest time, I was depressed and thoughts of hurting myself and ending it kept creeping in. It was almost as if I knew there was a better way and I surrendered myself to the universe, I let go of the reins and I have been guided to a life that keeps getting better every single day. I am truly blessed and I am truly grateful for Overeaters Anonymous, it saved my life.

Today I am much much much better than I was seven months ago, but at times I find myself (as you saw in my vlog) getting tripped up about trivial things involving my body. There is just such a deep rooted message about looks and appearance being sent to all of us ladies a young age. I remember my beautiful mother (when I was like 5 years old) applying make-up and taking a long time to get ready before we went anywhere. TV ads, magazine ads, radio ads, it is all around us. Our society can never be thin enough, have clear enough skin, be pretty enough, have thick enough hair, smell good enough, attract enough male attention, all these things we are taught make up our self-worth right!? WRONG ! Long before you or me decided to buy into the fashion and beauty industries standards and ridged beliefs about what is beautiful we saw beauty all around us. We were happy, whole, loved and were loved; this happiness came from an organic place, from the inside and we beautiful children spread it out to the world. Then we started listening and seeing the messages all around us , apparently beauty and happiness was something that could be obtained from outside of ourselves. With the right clothes, make-up, highlights, shoes and weight-loss/exercise regime we could be perfect too! Wait a sec, so I wasn’t born perfect? I was born to be on an endless pursuit for happiness love and acceptance when I looked in the mirror?

Somewhere along the line we are brainwashed into believing that our outside appearances are not good enough. But wait! The beauty industry and fashion industry and weight-loss industries can fix you with their products! See there is a very evident flaw there, we must keep believing that we need fixing in order to buy into these industries, and these industries want to keep us buying so they continue to send the message that we are “not quite there yet, try this new product”. Knowing is half the battle. Today I will define beauty for myself, no one controls me therefore I don’t live accordingly to someone elses standards of beauty. Today I recognize the infinite self-worth that is within me. Today I see my body as a beautiful tool of recovery and I love it unconditionally. I have the power to decide what is beautiful in my life. Today I am no longer the victim of an external projection of beauty. Happiness is an inside job and today I use my internal knowing about what is right for me, and I leave the rest!

I love you all!

Kelly

 

Kelly1Bean